The Beauty of Grief

Rev. Dr. Lewis H Temple III., DMin and Dr. Michell L. Temple, PhD, LPC

          When a person is grieving, several ‘go-to’ phrases are often echoed by others with good intentions. For instance, ‘God needed a new flower for his garden,’ ‘He/she has finally got his/her wings,’ and ‘You will see them again.’ While people intend to offer encouragement, these ‘go-to’ phrases often disenfranchise the person’s grief and the grieving process. In this blog, as we emphasize the beauty of grief, let us begin with a couple of our testimonies of grief.

          Lewis: While visiting my mom in the spring of 2019 (Florida), the family had just finished a nice day together. My family traveled back to the hotel to relax when we received a phone call from my brother. “Hey, get to the hospital! Mom was found on the floor unresponsive!” Mom had suffered a massive stroke. Over the next months, there were many highs and lows; mom would appear to get better, and then another setback. The highs and lows contributed to numerous emotional rollercoaster experiences. My family lived in Tennessee, so we were able to visit mom only once before she died. It was around noon on December 6, 2019, the eve of my birthday (December 7). The call came as I was having lunch. “Mom is gone.” I quickly found the most direct route to my office to call my wife. There were more tears than words. That’s what I needed at the time.

          Michell: Grief associated with the death of a loved one entered my life quietly in the 1980s with the murder of Buddy, my cousin. I did not quite make sense of the loss. I just knew Buddy was gone.  Fast forward to 2004, re-enter grief, with the death of my father-in-law, Lewis Jr. People I knew of died between Buddy’s and Lewis Jr.’s death; however, at the time there was a qualitative difference in my experience of someone I knew dying from someone I loved. A morbid count of family and friends who have died since 2004 is about 35 people, about one person each year, with the period of 2020-2021 being an anomaly of death.  A memorial list includes Terraton, Curtis, Ethal, Jone, Mary, Cheryl, Bernice T., Bernice M., Bobby, Thomas, Maxine, Willie S., Willie B., Vincent, and Earlene. I easily think of each person with a smile, remembering the great and good, bad and challenging times. No perfect lives were lived.  I am able to smile in gratitude knowing that I was a part of their lives. 

As we reflect on our training, Lewis, a chaplain, and Michell, a professional counselor, we have been offered a great opportunity to embrace our grief.  We also support others as they experience the beauty of grief.

By the beauty of grief, we mean the opportunity to notice the duality of loss and remembering. Reflecting on a time of year when joy and happiness, along with family and friends is emphasized, for many it is a season of firsts, seconds, thirds, etc., without…Without is the void of a loved one who has died, whose place/space in our lives finds no replacement.  Yet, the beauty of the memory of our loved ones remains with us. We remember a laugh, a gift, a story, or a moment of them, a moment of beauty. The Gospel of John 11:35 records, “Jesus wept.” Why did he weep? Well, it was not because ’You will see him again.’  No, the tears emerged from something within the heart of Christ…the beauty of grief. Tears, as Rev. Dr. Robert Rice Jr. would say, “At the very least, tears show that a person has a heart of flesh and not of stone” (paraphrased/emphasis added).

Let’s replace our go-to phrases during this holiday season with ‘we-too” phrases that acknowledge the shared experience of grief. Consider, ‘my heartbreaks with you this holiday season”, ‘I am praying for comfort in the memories of your loved one, or even “How are you planning for the holiday season?”  

          As we approach the holiday season, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s, we invite you to consider these ideas from Harold Ivan Smith:

• Befriend your grief
  • Allow yourself to anticipate the memories of your loved one. Remember memories can make us laugh and cry.  Laugh aloud at the humorous things you remember about your loved one. Carry a small package of facial tissue with you to be sure that you can cry if you need to.  
• Appreciate the grief styles of others
  • No two people experience the death of a loved one the same. Notice how those around you are navigating the absence of the loved one.  Take time to encourage others to remember the loved one in a meaningful way.
• Invite others into your grief
  • Consider others something like grief consultants. Let people help you put up decorations or accompany you to the cemetery or the mall. Ignore the temptation to mimic an independent-minded three-year-old and declare, “I can do it myself.”
• Express gratitude
  • Take time this day to deliberately state or write your gratitude. Today I am grateful for ________________.

Of course, we encourage you to invite God’s help! The Book of Psalms offers a plethora of encouraging, inspired writings. Psalm 31:5, “Into your hands I commit my spirit.” The theme of this generation could well be “I did it my way.” Some people will just hunker down and somehow get through the season. But God wants to help you. Ask. Simply, some of the most honest prayers of the season will be little more than, O Lord…(Smith)

Follow the example of love as you journey through the Beauty of Grief during this holiday season…and beyond.

Picture taken by Lewis Temple, III